i should concentrate on things like UNIVERSITY. i have been very seriously considering dropping out (21st is the last day i can do it) so i have 9 days.. 9 days to decide. i really wanna take a semester off. spend the tuition money on liposuction. also get a job at the mall or at chapters and reflect and think and decide on what i wanna take. and go to paris still at christmastime… but not worry about the deferred exams. (i booked my flight to xmas during the exam week and the registrar’s office said they couldn’t do anything for me.) the more i think about it, the more appealing taking time off seems to me. if things go REALLY well, i could even move in with joshua, in chicago or something and then go to school somewhere else. and lose thousands of dollars but gain happiness and surety [sureté is that a word in english?]
k my major problem is.. the parents. oh god the parents. when i think about having to tell the parents that i don’t wanna to to uni right now, it makes me nauseous. cuz i REALLY don’t wanna go. but they would fucking disown me. i probably couldn’t even live here anymore if i did that. fuck i dunno what to do… everyone keeps telling me to drop out “drop out… but good luck with the rents” yeah sure i’m of legal age and don’t have to listen to them, but it would just be so disappointing for my mom… although i think she’d definitely understand more than my dad. my dad would just not let me, you know?
omg i dunno what to do. plus my mommy she helped me out so much, choosing classes and registering and we have some scholarship money.. what about the money? i don’t know what to dooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. i can’t tell them. it’s impossible. i’m fucking stuck with a FUCKING linguistics major. what the hell is that. i don’t wanna waste all this time taking courses i care not for. waste of time and money and i’m sooo unhappy with this. i don’t wanna be a linguist. like wtf… i can do so much better. how on earth will i survive telling my dad i don’t wanna go to university? i can’t do it :’( :’( :’( :’( :’(
i’m so so happy joshua messaged me. i feel so much better. at least he’s not ignoring me on purpose… i just gotta let things be.
i dreamed of him last night. oh i forgot to talk about work.. i was dreading it. i was really fucked up yesterday. friday i got a 60 dollar parking ticket that I DID NOT DESERVE and will NOT pay. and then yesterday i turned too sharply in the wal-mart parking lot and scrapped all this paint off a pontiac sunfire… but i was just like “oops” and went to buy my shoes and when i came back the car was gone. no that really shook me up, lame maybe but i had no idea what to do. what are you supposed to do? so i get to wrok.. and EDDY WAS THERE. thank you, god really does love me. work was so so so much fun. i could tell you all about it. i love it. the pay is amazing, the work is so easy, the people are really fun. only problem is i’m so ashamed of it.. like i can’t tell anyone what i do. it just embarrasses me. i was thinking of quitting but if cool ppl like eddy and brad work there then i will be fine..
so yeah i was in a good mood after work i got home at like 1:30am. and when i fell asleep i was happy. it is nice to fall asleep happy. and i dreamed of joshua… i don’t remember it very well at all. i remember we were like in a theatre of some sort and i was happy. as happy as can be. he was telling me he loved me, and i felt complete. ya know? absolutely no emptiness, i was just happy and in love and loved. i also remember i was like tired at some point, and i went to lie down in bed next to one of his friends, and he was on the computer and no one cared, till his friend started reciting poetry to me and bit me, and then joshua started yelling but he was still sitting in the chair at the computer. this was in my room though, that’s what the setting was even though irl there is no comp there. he was super super pissed but it made me feel better that he was jealous, so i got on the floor and started sleeping there and everyone was satisfied. oh i also remember at one point soraya was standing there, and joshua had his arm around my shoulders and was playing with my nipple. yeah that’s all i remember. i’m sure it’d be cooler if i remembered more.
it's the human condition that keeps us apart
everybody's got a story that could break your heart