i talked to the girl. she's a fucking liar. i believe everything joshua says to me and nothing she says.
i am scared that he may love her. but he may love me too. i just don't wanna be TOO hopeful, cuz if it turns out that he wants her after all, then my heart will hurt. understand?
i have several coping methods: crying, swimming, my poodle, dreaming, and discussing. i probabaly have even more.
i apologize to everyone, and to myself, for being so obsessive. even my 12 year old self knew not to get so worked up over a guy. like when he first started talking about us one day living together, i thought he was CRAZY! you're not supposed to plan your life just for some person. imagine how i'd be right now if i had planned to move to chicago for real.
although sometimes i think, maybe i should have, and then he'd be more sure of my love for him. i hate how that sounds. it sounds cheesy and stupid and that's exactly how i've been these past weeks.
i am just gonna hope that his revelation is good news.
today is the first day of my menstrual cycle, in case you cared to know. i read the booklet thing that comes witht he birth control pills, and it lists all these symptoms that you need to tell your doctor about. and one of them is severe depression. the whole crying on a daily basis had me terrified at first. cuz i didn't understand why, but maybe it's normal. i mean any girl who loses her guy after two and a half years would cry everyday, wouldn't she? i don't wanna label what i'm going through as severe depression cuz that takes away from people who are actually depressed. i'm just stupid is all.
[this morning when i woke up was hell. this all happened within the space of 2 seconds: i woke up.. woke up... and then my heart sunk. i felt like shit suddenly. i didn't know why. so i asked myself "why do you feel like shit?" and then i remembered that real life is not the same as being asleep. and i HATED being awake. i wanted to go back to sleep, but my heart sunk even further down because you can't just go back to sleep once you're awake and you realize that you feel like shit.]
but i'm very okay now. i just need to imagine that things will be okay. tomorrow will be good news. the girl's a liar and joshua has always loved me and always will. and he knows i love him, he just needs a little more from me.
ooh it's kinda crazy
i've been thinking baby
gotta get you outta my mind
first you say you want me
now your memories haunt me
why don't you just give me a sign