last night was such a beautiful day. it was very autumny. we don't get that season very often in calgary... usually it just frosts up and leaves die overnight and then it's winter. but now i get to sit on a bench as yellow and orange leaves flutter to the ground. i love it. yesterday i also went to art's desire. i finished my mug. it's got pink stripes and little hearts on it. i love my mug. i love going to art's desire cuz it's so relaxing and you get free hot chocolate, the atmosphere there is really nice. it's fun. yesterday i also went to the uni to finish off homework with soraya. then i came home and... RIGHT before i left to go watch survivor at soraya's house, i read something online that kinda put me in a crazy mood, so when i get to her place i logged on to aim and just asked joshua if he was gonna break up with me. and apparently he doesn't know yet.
yesterday i was happy and confident so i wore eyeliner, and i havent been wearing makeup in forever. but i cried thrice. first time was cuz this jackass called me to tell me the appeal on my parking ticket has been declined, and the next step is to go to court. COURT!!!! wtf.
but then i was sad... cuz joshua finally talked to me. he stopped REALLY loving me around the point where i started keeping this journal, back in november or whenever it was. november was a long time ago. everything then was my fault. this was my secret journal that joshua would never read and it was my overexaggereated life and venting and stuff... kinda like it is now too. cept he read it. and he decided he could never think of me as his slave girl anymore. and i thought... he told me he watned me, not some idea. he said that to me. so i thought.. he loved me. i dunno why he said that to me. he says he means the things he says, but only at the time he says them. but he sent me the best birthday card in july, and IT said.. that he thought about me everyday. but how does he think about me? maybe i'm that annoying chick he doens't know how to get rid of and that's how he thought abotu me. he said he'd think about me everyday for the rest of his life!!! and now he wants to leave me. you can't say "the rest of my life" and only mean it on the day you say that. that doesn't make sense.
he also told me that he doesn't wanna go to germany anymore. which is good. but it means that the chick wasn't lying about everything. she was 100% sure lying about SOME things though... so i dunno what's true and what's not. joshua was lying about some things.. right? so how do i know who's lying to me and who's not? i can't know anything. maz would NEVER have told me about the other girl if he'd known we were still together, that's what maz told me. it was like a slap in the face. "everyone thinks it's funny that you're being played jessica" thanks a lot. when i had the talk with the girl on the tuesday we just said we'd talk thursday... but then on wednesday she asked joshua about me, and according to her he said "she's just a friend too" i'm just a friend. he said that to her last week. if he'd said that to her a couple months ago then fine. cuz he was cheating on me. but then i got over it. but if this is true then i can't be over her. he actually wanted to form a real relationship with her. she' not just some fling. how can he only care about her sexually and then say i'm just a friend. maybe to keep his chances up with her? i'm sorry i talked to her. i keep ruining his happiness. he probably doesn't knwo how i could possibly make him happy, cuz i keep fucking up. i never told him what i wanted.
i don't get why i don't wanna break up with him. i cheated on him but it was the biggest mistake of my life. he cheated on me, but he wants to do it again. yesterday he said that part of the reason why he's been holdign things off is cuz i've been all suicidal. but how is "just a friend" not like stabbing me in the back with a nice big sharp knife? several times?
but omg i've fucked up so many times. i shouldn't have kept this journal. it made him think i didnt want anything. now he says it's IMPOSSIBLE for him to think of me that way. why the fuck is it impossible? cuz he got over me? that's the only reason. he has to be over me. i can't believe this. no i fucked up so much. i said things and i went to john's place cuz john said i owed it to him, then i posted about it like it was no big deal. just another things i do everyday. and joshua never forgave me. he wanted me to be his slave. but he doesn't want that anymore, and all he wants is a slave, so how can he want me? he doens't want me at all anymore.
i'm such an idiot. i'm so stupid. i listen to songs all the time that say .... sing about broken promises. and that forever is over. forever is over for me now. it never crossed my mind before. i'm so naive and silly. i lived in my dream world and i thought he meant it went he said paris would be romantic. he never thought i'd actually buy a ticket.
but why was he such an asshole? he was so mad when i didnt wanna come to chicago anymore. why did he act like he wanted me to come? he was plannign his trip to california as i was plannign my trip to chicago. that's okay. he flew accross the country to meet the girl of his dreams, and i bussed myself to the states to see the guy of my dreams. cept he acted like he wanted me there. he brought me to the beach. and to john's party. why in god's name did he take me there? he should have left me at home like he did the morning after. "bye jessica there's food in the fridge"
i am so worthless to him. i can't BELIEVE THIS!! I refuse to believe any of this.
it's not possible. he loved me. how is it humanly possible that he stopped caring?
why.. why now? why did he let me come to chicago and be with him there? he shouldn't have done that. it's so much harder for me now.. i honest to god thought he liked me. i'm such a silly, guillable girl. why would a guy like him like me? everyone loves joshua. everyone i saw loved him. and they all make fun of me behind my back, but you gotta expect that. now i feel bad for him. he probably thought i looked more like the other girl than i do look like me. and he wanted to form a real relationship with her... cuz he never told her about me.
i know he said "you're beautiful" just to make me feel better. do you think it was just so i'd suck him off? that's what his other girl said. he was only pretending this whole time for blowjobs. but that can't be it. he could have told his next door neighbour he loved her and she'd be over everynight. maybe he did. maybe she was on vacation over the summer, so he went to cali for the skinny one and invited the fat one over.
i'm very sad i have this ticket to paris. he's gonna be in berlin while i'm in paris.
no but i'm still in denial. this can't possibly be true. how can he possibly have been lying? like what's the point? why lie? i'm not worth lying to. i don't care if he was just having a manic episode when he said we'd get married, i don't care if i didn't believe it at the time. it has to be buried within him somewhere? i wanna shake him really really hard so that it comes back to the surface and he remembers he still cares. he's not like the other guys... oh my fucking god what's wrong with me. why would he say he loves me? this cant be possible, you dont' understand. he wouldn't do this to me. he's not liek the guys in the songs. he doesnt break promises!!! ITS DIFFERENT! i can't let him leave me, especially not now. not right after i got back from chicago. he was miserable the whole time i was there. he hoped that by reading his convos i'd wanna leave, but i stuck around. "when the fuck is she gonna leave"
maybe he thought it was all very funny too. he must be trying to hurt me. cuz it hurts that much. did he REALLY tell her i wa sjust a friend? maybe cuz he wanted to have more sex with her. i was over her i didnt even care.. it's okay that he cheated. we're long distance.. that kinda stuff happens. but even after everything, he still just said i was just a friend. and i'm SO STUPIIIIIIIID! why can't i see he wants nothing to do with me anymore? i'm just one girl of many. i cna't see it cuz that's not what he told me, that's why. he told me forever. i remember early on, i told him i'd love him forever... then he wrote back and said that i shouldn't ever say "forever" to him unless i meant it. so i never said it again cuz i didnt'w ant him to get mad again. but how many times did he say it to me? what an asshole. a hypocrite. he's just having fun with my emotions. he shut himself off, that's what he said.. he doesn't care at all. he just sits there not giving a shit. i'm so terrified. what if no one shakes him? if no one shakes him he won't realize that we love each other. that i'll be skinny and i'll be his slavegirl and nothing else. he won't know this if no one shakes him though. and i can't shake him cuz i'm very far away. he's going to paris. he's gonna say "sorry jessica there aren't any computers here" and block me and he'll forget me. never have to talk to me again. he's an asshole for suggesting i buy a ticket to paris. maybe he had it all planned out all along. he wanted to kill me. he's doing a good job. i miss joshua you know. this all feels so weird.
why did he decide to stop caring at the exact same moment when i started caring too much?
this sucks. i know it's over. i'm such an idiot. if he still loved me, he would definitely have said so by now. cuz we've had hardcore fights in the past, but he never ignored me for this long without telling me he loved me. he just stopped caring about me overnight. he woke up and realized everyone was right.
i want him to listen to the janet jackson song that says it doesnt matter what everyone else says.
fuck i've been wearing the same clothes for three weeks. i wish someone would knock me on the head and tell me that i shouldn't care about him either. i should be like him. it's not the birth control pills. it's the EMOTINALA PAIN and it makes me teary and i can't see the keyboard when i type.
i should be in german righ tnow. sometimes it remind me of his other girl though. cuz she's german. it's her first language. it haunts me. he doesn't love me. i'm not used to it. he's used to it, he doens't care, he hasn't loved me for a year. he's been pretending. he doens't care that i still love him and i want him and i want so bad to make him happy. i told him i wanted to be like her. i want to be his slave but he says it's impossible for him to think of me that way.
he told me they had a talk, and SHE SAID THEY DIDNT
who is lying to me? stop lying to me you guys. i'm not strong enough right now to handle it. i don't like it. joshua doesn't lie. he meant it EVERY fuckign time. he loves me. i feel like a fucking idiot. i'm a psychopath now. i'm swearing. only psychos swear liek this. she was such a bitch. i even thought she was nice and then she turned on me. and i am such a little dumbass. i'm so worthless. he says it's impossible for me to be his slave. it;s NOT! it's not impossible at all. he's just using that as an excuse. he wants me to disapeer. that's sad. that's not fair. i love him. right now i love him lots cuz i stayed at his apartment and he took me to the museum and to his arcade. and his fuckign parents place. i met his CATS! i met joshua's cats. he doesnt care. all his girlfriends meet his cats. like when he was first gonna meet my mom. i was all excited and i asked him if he was nervous and he said "no, i've done this before"
i'm just one girl of many.
but he said otherwise.. maybe he's more bipolar than i understand and everytime he said he loved me was not how he actually felt. he didnt mean to lie to me. look at this. look at me. why am i goign so crazy? why is he doing this to me RIGHT NOW? why not.. after paris. a couple months after paris. or before i got tickets to chicago and to paris. befor ei bought the tickets. "i don't think things are working out" "i don't think we shoudl see each other anymore." breakups used to be fun for me. i was 14 back then and it was fun. 2 weeks was the longest i'd ever been with a guy. back then it was definitely just to suck his cock. that's all they wanted. joshua said thing like "you're beautiful" without a shred of truth, but he said it to make me happy and it really did make me happy. and he's probbaly been doign the same things with "i love you" and all that. it's just bullshit, but because he's the sweetest guy on the planet he wants me to feel loved. does he know i want to feel loved? that's basically all i want. that's why i was so unsure of the slave thing. i didn't feel loved. that's all it was. but now it's impossible. i didnt know slaves could feel loved. his other girlfriend knows they can and that's why he likes her lots. MAYBE he's lying to her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes. he's lying to her, not to me. haha. i knew about her but she didnt know about me. i am not gonna comment in his little blog thign anymore cuz everyone he knows hates me. he once said "i'll leave my family and my friends before i leave you if i had to" but that was just to make me feel better too. to make me feel loved, and did it ever. i felt so much better. i felt very safe with him.
i went to see the movie garden state with joshua. he must have hated that movie. i feel very stupid and embarassed. he was playing me this whole time. he stopped caring. and now i'm all going crazy and he's just sitting in chicago drinking coffee daydreaming about parisian women.
i cheated on him too you know. so it's okay. we're even. i don't care. i dont care he told her we're just friends. he's allowed to do that. married men go online and they have different internet lives.. it's not real.
but he hasn't told me he loved me. he did at the bus stop. he said he loved me. maybe it came easier to him cuz he didnt mean it. like... saying "how are you?" it's the same. it's meaningless. whats up is meaningless. he told me never to tell him i loved him, after i cheated on him. and if i had the guts to ask him for anything, i would have asked him to say it more often after he cheated on me. but it's not the same situation. it's time for him to send me an ultimatum again. cuz he's always the one who may stop loving me. he can break up with me... like if i drink alcohol. i dont want any alcohol. i'm so silly. i believe everything he says and i'm so guELABLE. guillable. because. you know. guys don't mean that kinda thing. cept he didnt fuck me till i told him to.
i'm skipping german at the moment. i wanna skip everyday for the rest of my life. i don't wanna have a rest of my life. if i die now, then he wouldnt have been lying. my life is over and so he doesnt have to love me anymore. he's taking a long time to send the e-mail, but i know why. it's cuz it's gonna be the worst e-mail i've ever received. he needs to find the words for the worst e-mail i've ever received. it's gonna say that he doesn't feel anythign for me anymore. even though just like a week ago, he said that he went wild just being around me cuz he was still attracted to "me", not my body. even though he said that, he must have just been being nice.
but i dont want that. i want it to be true. i want her to dispaeer. i will forget about her, no problem, i'm very good at repression. but he's not. i forced him to repress what he really wanted. and that's why he turned to her. ITS OKAY AND IT MAKES SENSE AND I KNOW WHY AND ITS OKAYYYYYYYY but why won't he give me anotehr chance?
someone please shake him so that he gives me another chance. i love this entry it's RAMBLING and long and NO ONE WILL READ IT and i hate this so much. i miss him so much. why did he make me feel loved? you shouldn't do that. we're not gonna break up
i'm being silly
he's gonna give me another chance
he's gonna go to paris and get adjusted there and send me a text message every once in a while to tell me all the cool things he's doing
and he'll post pictures and i'll look at them but i won't comment
he'll send me a text message every once in a while to tell me he loves me
and my mom will tell me about all the things in paris, and be worried and excited for me.
and we'll plan out our trip to paris. and i'll have lots of extra money saved up. we'll stay at a cheap motel and i'll give him blowjobs that are good everytime, i won't do a shitty job.
and we'll go to all the beautiful places and the catacombs and to the other places.
and we'll do somethign on christmas.
he's gonna give me another chance to be his girllll..
we're not gonna break up cuz that'd be a waste.
this entry was too long but it's cuz i was worried. i am still a little worried.. cuz he's taking a very very long time. but his friends and his other girl and my idiotic ways, it all has him confused and he's a smart guy, so he doens't liek being confused, so he stopped caring. he's an insanely smart guy. that was such a turn on to me you know. so anyways smart guys wouldn't throw everythign we have away. right? he meant a lot of the i love yous.
he said.. he didn't mean all of them. that hurts lots. i dont understand why he would say that to me if he didnt mean it. i can be JUST LIKE HER only better. cuz she's a bitch and she doesnt give a fuck about him. and she's a little liar. and i'm terrified. how will he know? he's smart. i hope that someone shakes him too, just to make sure.
i don't want her to overpower it all right now. she's not worth it... tomorrow is 2 and a half years. for joshua and i.
omg would he do that to me? i'm scared. he stopped caring so it'd be really easy for him to leave me. but we're going to paris. and i'm moving to chicago. so.. that'd be silly. i'm gonna be skinny. and all his friends will be impressed cuz they remembered me as being very fat.
i wish this was bad dream. i wish he still loved me. that night after john's party i made him tell me he loved me, twice in a row. just to hear it. he must hate me now. i'm so stupid. i love him and he ddoesnt give a shit. and it's 100% my fault. i fucked it all up. i can't fucking believe it's been so long though. he doesn't know what he's saying. it hasnt been that long. this is so.. weird. it's not possible.
what's wrong with me? i am in denial. i can't believe he'd leave me. cuz he said he wouldn't. he sent me flowers. i opened the door and a delivery guy told me to sign here and handed me lots and lots of flowers. he made me feel pretty and loved and special. haha. yeah i should just slit my wrists and get this over with. slit my wrists and go swimming in shark infested waters. he made me so happy. and all the time i was making him so unhappy. i can't believe i've been doing the exact opposite of what i'm supposed to have been doing. i was supposed to make him happy. cuz he made me so happy. so loved. but he doesn't care anymore.
i'm so funny. it's all so petty. but it means the world to me. and it means jack shit to the world. no one cares that i am broken.
god i feel crazy. did i always write entries liek this? completely random and.. weird.
k i need ppl to understand. he loves me. he just shut his emotions off. and i'm scared that.. they don't come back. that's what he wants. he wants to stop caring about me, cuz he thinks i can't be his slave. but he's wrong. he needs to be SHAKEN so that his emotions turn back on and he tells me he'll love me and that i'll be his perfect slave he'll have fun with me and i'll be his and
um. i dunno why i'm taking this so hard. i didn't even think he loved me, i thought. but he sent me the birthday card. the bitch said he called me just a friend and that he doesnt care. i hate her. he doens't love her. i told her that. he doesnt love you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! stupid bitch. he loves me. even more than his friends. is it true? why can't we move away together?
i'm such a fucking moron. i'm so oblivious. he doesnt give a fuck about me
hes gonna ditch me and i hate that. what about paris. fuck this sucks. what a lie. just like in the songs. and i was so small and innocnet and wanting to please him. and a moron bitch. i hate myself. why would ANYONE believe that? he was just playing me. it's a game for him.
i'm stupid. and i'm embarassed. cuz i'm fat and cuz i thought he loved me. silly fat girl walking around assuming this amazing guy cares about her. and he must have been laughing his ass off at how funny it all was. but now he's sick of me. he's preparing to write me the worst e-mail of me life.
soraya said we wouldn't break up. and we haven't yet. i still have hope that someone will shake him.
he's going to paris soon. he's so lucky. it's gonna be so amazing. i'm going too, in december. except that it will be so so so so so strange.. cuz i may be alone. that wasn't the plan. HE said it'd be romantic, not me. he said i should come for christmas. and i am coming.
he really should give me another chance. we can be super happy you know. we can work this out, but he needs to realize it
does he know we can work things out?
maybe i should tell him.
i feel so desperate. i love him. i think things can be worked out though.
okay. i need to tell him
this is my last journal entry, because this thing is cursed. it caused him (well what i wrote in it) to stop loving me. and it's doing it again..
cept he loves me. <3<3 with hearts. lots of hearts. he loves me and i can satisfy him. the long distance will end by next summer.
i don't think right now is a good time for us to break up.. he said he'd regret it. he needs to give me another chance.
there's so much for me to cry about. i can't skip french and stats and linguistics though. i have to go to school today.
i love joshua. i love him so much. it's just a part of me, loving him it's just the way it is. he should... stop being so silly. stop not caring. like when i was crying. did he honestly not care? k i cry everyday now but i sure as hell never used to cry in front of people. i loved him and i was hurt and he just said "why did you come to chicago?" or something. he told me to come. i loved him. i love him so much. it hurtsa my heart that he's considering leaving me.
but then again he's considered it a couple times before. i remmeber the itme i considered it, and then erica stopped me. i'm just stupid and illogical.
but now he's being illogical. i don't think he should end thigns now. especially not now. SHE is worthless. it's not worth thinkign about her, he better not think about her. i'll replace her and do a much better job of it. we're gonna spend a romantic christmas break in paris.
it was his idea.
hi i love joshua. i love him lots. i am crazy now cuz i love him and he's pretending he doens't love me!!! ahaha isn't that funny? cuz... he acts like tis' all been nothing and he can just stop. you can't just stop. it's not just been nothing. he loves me still. how funny. he loves me <3 hurray. i'm so sad. please someone make him tell me he loves me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IM TOO SAD cuz he hasnt said it. and it worried me cuz he hasnt acted liek it either. he said just a friend she said he said. lying bitch. he hates you. he only likes you cuz you'r the slave part. he doens't know i'm the slave part too. i'm gonna replace you now, bye little whore. i love ihm. he loves me right? i'm SO sorry joshua i didn't mean to go crazy. i don't usually go crazy do i? not like this. i'm really sorry. i know it's been really stupid. please. i'm sorry. don't forget that you love me, okay?
k so... in conclusion. joshua loves me, but has been confused by external... things. it has caused him to question our love and i was scared because i thought it was over. but he loves me. and so he will realize... right? he knows he loves me.
he can't leave me, especially not at a time like this.
and i am not gonna keep a journal anymore, especially not this sn, it is jinxed.
so goodbye and wish me luck. <3 i'm heartbroken and in love and he will soon heal me. i think. soon he'll say he's sorry he made me wait, but he definitely still loves me and wants to give me another chance at being his slave. and making him happy. and we'll be perfect for each other. with other fights of course, but still very happy. and i'm still a little scared but he loves me.
i love him and he loves me. and we're going to paris. ta ta.
you're like angel from above
sent here to shower me with your love
hold me beneath your wings
tell me all of those things
all the hopes and the dreams we can share
cuz i'll be your shelter from the storm
i'll be the fire that keeps you warm
i'll be your light in the dark
cuz you'll always be in my heart
if the sun should refuse to rise
and the moon doens't hang in the night
the tides don't change
when the world is through, i will still love you
if anything should last forever, that's what i feel for you
you've touched my heart in ways
that words could never say
that's why i'll always love youuuuu