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that girl from somewhere

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this journal is cursed and therefore this is my last entry [24 Sep 2004|09:57am]
[ mood | weird ]

somethign something...

what happened?Collapse )

you're like angel from above
sent here to shower me with your love
hold me beneath your wings
tell me all of those things
all the hopes and the dreams we can share
cuz i'll be your shelter from the storm
i'll be the fire that keeps you warm
i'll be your light in the dark
cuz you'll always be in my heart

if the sun should refuse to rise
and the moon doens't hang in the night
the tides don't change
seasons rearrange
when the world is through, i will still love you

if anything should last forever, that's what i feel for you
you've touched my heart in ways
that words could never say
that's why i'll always love youuuuu

11 comments|post comment

[23 Sep 2004|08:22pm]
hello... i was not gonna go to chicago cuz i saw myself in the mirror and saw too much fat, but when joshua learned of this decsion he got very mad at me.

now he regrets it very much cuz i was embarassingly disgustingly fat, he didn't know.. he lives far away.

i should be strong like lore was and let him go so he can be happy with the anorexic whore. cept she lives in china or something. he'll find someone better in chicago and i'll be quickly forgotten, or some joke they mention every once in a while.

you guys are right... i'll be okay eventually. it's my fault anyway. on march 25th he held me and said "happy anniversary" and i did not question his love for me at all. i felt loved and i shouldn't have. it was silly to think he'd like me that much.

regression [23 Sep 2004|09:52am]
[ mood | sad ]

yes i have totally become 8 years old again. or something. not like i cried everyday at 8 year old. hey i almost made it 48 hours without shedding a tear, then i was attacked by loneliness.

oh and if he ignores me today & tomorrow and i wake up saturday without any text messages that say "we're through", then saturday is our 2 and 1/2 anniversary, if i counted correctly. two and one half years. <3

just one moment of joy makes it all worth itCollapse )

p.s. to be fair, he hasn't been ignoring me lately. we've been having small-talk type convos, and even though he like doesn't send smiley faces and the conversations don't last very long, i love them ten times more than no response at all. i'm very happy he still talks to me.

je vais t'aimer comme on ne t'a jamais aimée.
je vais t'aimer plus loin que tes rêves ont imaginé.
je vais t'aimer comme personne n'a osé t'aimer.
je vais t'aimer comme j'aurai tellement aimé être aimé.

i pray that we make it through the fall [22 Sep 2004|05:18pm]
[ mood | peaceful ]

i made an icon. i love me!
i don't know what else to say. i was seriously considering dying my hair purple, especially since my sister has lots of purple hair dye left over. not my whole head... just some hair. cuz it's a temporary thing.. won't last long then i can make it brown again.
but then i had a dream that my hair turned SO BLONDE. i liked it but was sad cuz it was dried out.

i don't wanna talk about it
cuz i'm in love with you

wanna know who you are
wanna know where to start
i wanna know what this means

wanna know how you feel
wanna know what is real
i wanna know EVARYTHING

5 comments|post comment

on a monday i am waiting and by tuesday i am fading into your arms [21 Sep 2004|10:06pm]
[ mood | happy ]

today was so cool: german was cancelled, i didnt do jack shit in stats and i played taboo in french class!

taboo is the best game ever.

and joshua even talked to me. [even if he wasn't particularly happy, at least he wasnt pissed at ME *ahahaha so selfish*] i am happy i love him and as long as he acts normal i'm in a fantastic mood.

i had a 2 hour nap today. it was so weird. now i'm not really tired but i'm gonna go lie in bed and read my novel.
oh yeah i've been getting really horny lol. geez so weird.

WHOA SOMEONE JUST SENT ME AN ICQ MESSAGE... that hasn't happened in years.

this song is by jessica's sister??????? wow

with you i fall so fast
i can hardly catch my breath, i hope it lasts

oh feels like i can finally rest my head on something real
i like the way that feels

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smiles are so contagious [20 Sep 2004|10:12pm]
[ mood | giggly ]

this morning it was snowing.

i was happy all day today. that hasn't happened in a while. instead of crying i sent an e-mail to joshua. same therapeutic properties. i also went to clubs week with soraya. she doesn't wanna join the women's fraternity :'( i do. i signed her up for the poets club cuz that's funny and i hope everyone smokes cigarettes and wears berets. and i wanan join the very vegetarian club cuz they gave me cool stickers that say "fuck animal cruelty" and other cool things. some have pics of chickens and pigs. yay.
um what else. um. oh i paid for university. i am officially a student this semester in linguistics 201, french 315, german 228 (or something), statistics 213 and psych 205.
i wanna get a tattoo behind my ear. have you ever seen that before? like a tiny one. i'd never seen one before the first day, now i've seen two chicks with it. i love it. either there or on the bottom of my foot.

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[19 Sep 2004|02:10pm]
[ mood | cheerful ]

also, i LOVE my poodle. i love him with all my heart.

and my old cell phone has lots of text messages. they say "i love you jessi" and "call me tonight! please!" and other such things. i was loved and hopefully still am.

funnyCollapse )

2 comments|post comment

[19 Sep 2004|01:32pm]
[ mood | okay ]

k..here's how it is:
i talked to the girl. she's a fucking liar. i believe everything joshua says to me and nothing she says.
i am scared that he may love her. but he may love me too. i just don't wanna be TOO hopeful, cuz if it turns out that he wants her after all, then my heart will hurt. understand?

i have several coping methods: crying, swimming, my poodle, dreaming, and discussing. i probabaly have even more.

i apologize to everyone, and to myself, for being so obsessive. even my 12 year old self knew not to get so worked up over a guy. like when he first started talking about us one day living together, i thought he was CRAZY! you're not supposed to plan your life just for some person. imagine how i'd be right now if i had planned to move to chicago for real.

although sometimes i think, maybe i should have, and then he'd be more sure of my love for him. i hate how that sounds. it sounds cheesy and stupid and that's exactly how i've been these past weeks.

i am just gonna hope that his revelation is good news.

more boring crapCollapse )

ooh it's kinda crazy
i've been thinking baby
gotta get you outta my mind
first you say you want me
now your memories haunt me
why don't you just give me a sign

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allo bonjour [18 Sep 2004|03:20pm]
[ mood | optimistic ]

i'm so so sorry i dunno why i haven't been commenting :(

swimming makes me feel so much better. it's mind-blowing. i dunno why i just feel actual happiness... it's so fun and relaxing.

OH I FIGURED IT ALL OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
i dunno if us catholics are supposed to believe in reincarnation, but i think i had a previous life as a fish. a fish in a fish tank. and i was all sad and like "damn this sucks" but i was swimming around and my owner loved me and i was well fed. and now i was born again as a human, to realize how great is was as a fish who gets to swim around all day and not bother with complex emotions.

also i wanted to say that i think it's hilarious. cuz i feel like the chick in that new twix commercial. it's true and funny and it's not news to me, just a good source of motivation :)

and now i'm off to work, this weekend at the stampede is the home and garden show.

swimming, swimming,
in a swimming pool...
when days are hot, when days are cold
in a swimming pool!
breast stroke, side stroke, fancy diving too!
oh don't you wish there never was anythign else to do
mmmhmm, mmmhmm,
in a swimming pool...[etc]

4 comments|post comment

hello i love joshua still and i am scared. [18 Sep 2004|10:09am]
[ mood | discontent ]

yesterday was a good day.

i took the bus to school and i got there 15 minutes early instead of 15 minutes late. so i had time to finish my homework sitting outside on a bench.
i kept volunteering answers in german class and i kept being wrong lol. :( i must learn to shut up
after german i have an hour break and i planned to do homework, but instead i ended up crying/falling asleep. then i had the best french class ever: she took attendance, handed us an insanely easy take-home quiz on the present tense and told us to have a great weekend.

so that gave me time to do my linguistics homework :) linguistics is by far my hardest class ever :( it's really really crazy.

yeah.. then classes.. and then i sat around for another hour waiting for soraya to finish her last class. i was so productive and did so muc homework outside on the green grass.

we lay on this hill where the prarie chicken is for over an hour, just talking. at least joshua's making things exciting, right? she said it sounded like a soap opera. lol ehehe

and then we got home around 6pm.. sylvia and nicole stayed for dinner and then i took them and melanie for ice cream. with nicky the blind poodle.

anyways i felt really good yesterday and happy and normal. i found open water & garden state ticket stubs in my wallet. yay. i can add them to.. the other ticket stubs. one day i'll through them out accidentally and never know they're missing :) but i'll never get rid of them on purpose.

so this morning i decided to check my e-mail and joshua said he's ready to talk. but he's come to a realizaton? uh oh that is keeping me teriffied. his girl came online tuesday morning, and we decided to talk to each other and soi said okay, i'll meet you at 6am, right? but then i didn't want to talk to her at all so i dind't come online. i went on at liek 8:30am and ten minutes later she signed on and i ended up talking to her anyway. she kept teling me don't tell joshua about htis convo, but i was gonna anyway, only she beat me to it. i hope his 'realization' isn't that he does like her more than me after all. i feel so sick. throw-uppy sick. and mentally. and everythingally.

i am on a computer at school. are you so jealous cuz i'm so smart? i'm a university student. i'm thinking of dropping psych instead of dropping out completely out of all of my courses. that way i will feel like i did something to help my poor heart out, and also staurday classes from 8-12 kinda suck, and it's more likea bio class right now than a psych class.

i hate this thoug hi have not have crying time and i just wanna do that. i'm going swimming later though so that's good i suppose.

isn't it so funny tha ti've been dying to talk to him and now it's just scary? no actually i've been scared all along. cept yesterday i felt okay. i felt okay till about 10pm when i realized that i like him a lot. he's not an asshole. he only is like that one out of fifty times, and he is so perfect to me the rest of the time. so there. i really like him a lot. yes. isnt that funny.

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the end is near.. muahahaha [16 Sep 2004|10:04pm]
[ mood | listless ]

see, if i just sit here and think to myself, i cry. cuz all i can think about is missing him. so i ramble on to other random internet people on aim and icq. some tell me to fight for our love, others tell me to dump him immediately. i don't have what it takes to dump him, btw. i'm gonna sit here like the pathetic scum i am and wait for him to ditch me. don't ask why. i used to think it was fun to call my old guys to break up with them, i'd even do it three-way so my friends could listen in on it.

look at these opposite quotes:

"Sometimes you have to let your mind overrule your feelings. "
"go with your feelings sometimes, not your mind"

two diff people said that to me on different days. so confusing. so so very confusing. but either way, my heart and my mind are telling me the same thing: be sad. lol :D

6 comments|post comment

[16 Sep 2004|05:01pm]
[ mood | hopeful ]

i'm not a perfect person
there's many things i wish i didn't do
but i continue learning
i never meant to do those things to you
and so i have to say before i go
that i just want you to know

i've found a reason for me
to change who i used to be
a reason to start over new
and the reason is you

i'm sorry that i hurt you
it's something i must live with everyday
and all the pain i put you through
i wish that i could take it all away
and be the one who catches all your tears
that's why i need you to hear

i've found a reason to show
a side of me you didn't know
a reason for all that i do
and the reason is you

ahhhhhhhhhhh *relaxed sigh* i kinda feel better now. much more at ease. random people are so nice. this is why i like lj. random internet people.
i miss my happiness though. i wish things were good right now.
earlier today i was scaring myself a lot. i kept wanting to die. so this is just in case i impulsively throw myself in front of speeding traffic:

Read more...Collapse )

4 comments|post comment

[16 Sep 2004|10:14am]
[ mood | sick ]

hi i would like to update again.

what do you want to know?

something is terribly wrong. terribly wrong. this is not the way i am supposed to be feeling. i never used to feel this way. i just plain don't understand why he won't send me an e-mail. i deserve to hear from him. everything is topsyturvy. like in that song. TOP SEE TURR VEE! he has every right to be mad at me. but not to be mad at me and avoiding me. no you have no right to avoid me. it makes me hurt. i know you care somewhere deep down inside. i know i haven't been made a fool of. i know that all this time you weren't pretending. you love me. you know you love me joshua. we're just going through a rough patch. that's what's supposed to happen, cuz we're human. but you love me and i promise you i can be beautiful. i can be everything you want me to be. and i will be. but you cannot not talk to me. it's against the rules. you're breaking the rules.


let's talk this over
it's not like we're dead

8 comments|post comment

i heard him promise you forever... now forever's come and gone [16 Sep 2004|08:11am]
[ mood | depressed ]

oh man i really shouldnt have told laila to come over at 9am. i want to sleep all day. who cares about all that shit i was supposed to do? i'd have to take transit today anyway and that sucks ass.

and oh dear about joshua. he talked to me yesterday finally... but only for a little bit. all i got out of it was that he's mad at me for being too chubby and that he really didn't love her the same way. stupid girl. i don't give a shit about what they did. but i HURT THAT HE STILL TALKS TO HER. and i hurt that he doesnt talk to me. wouldn't that terrify you? he's being so silly. very silly. doesn't he know that he's taking a very long time to forgive me? he loves me. joshua loves jessica. i'm 100% sure of it.

i don't know what to do with myself. it sucks that i can't stay in bed all day long. i'm thinking maybe keeping the $2000 for lipo and using the money i make at work for paris? and um. i am lost. it's kinda scary, cuz he's seemed kinda cold. although it's always hard to tell how a person is feeling through im conversations. i am lost and scared and very lonely. i don't like having no one to talk to. i almost went to a counsellor the other day. they made me sit in the waiting room though... so i had a chance to back out, and i did.

when will i stop feeling so pathetic?

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[15 Sep 2004|04:48pm]
[ mood | happy ]

oh i forgot to mention... this morning i woke up with a cold sore... oh no sorry make that TWO cold sores!!!! YES TWO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! TWOOOOOOO what the fuck. i guess it's a good thing i didn't wake up next to joshua after all lol.

ahhhh yay i feel much better :)

you know what's really surprising is my fav class right now is stats. it's an awesome class. who knew? my only math class is better than all the others.

anyway yeah.. um... i'm going to advance screening of shaun of the dead tonight. cept.. dunno with who yet. all my muslim friends are off for some celebration, the girl i was going with JUST cancelled on me so i have about an hour to find someone... considering all my friends are muslim or moved to edmonton lol ... maybe i should take my sis.

k so what else. my new thing is this... whenever i get sand, think of the breeze or of cherries. it's worked eveytime so far.

i hate an internet date with someone tomorrow... i have to be very very careful of what i say. i'm a little worried. but if it gets out of hand, i just gotta hit block.

i get tomorrow off... getting up at 6am to talk to the person, 9am my friend is coming over, we're gonna hang out till she has class at 1pm, then i gotta refute the parking ticket, buy a new pumice stone, and buy all my new textbooks. i bought about 150 dollars worth of books that i didn't need and probably can't sell back. fantastic eh?
oh should i go to overflow? i would but my friends... i mean my only friend is still underage. so i'd be too scared. if there's no one within my comfort zone then i can't do it. although you know i trust people so quickly, it doesnt take long for them to enter the comfort zone. liek brad or ray or eddy. or laura and kathryn. but yeah i dunno... only if they ask.

god i really hope people aren't reading this cuz it's so boring. it's more for me than anyone else i guess. sorry :'( i'll comment tomorrow i hope.


i told my mommy i had some in chicago, and she BOUGHT some!!! lol maybe she is afraid i'll like it better over there :D

6 comments|post comment

[15 Sep 2004|08:40am]
[ mood | pissed off ]

i will go through today
german class
didn't do the homework for any of my classes

and she's gonna call on me in french. all the kids in my french class are francophone. makes me feel really stupid.

i hate all my classes. i really hate going to school.

but i will go through today, only because i don't have ANY classes tomorrow. that's right i get thursdays off. (but i don't get saturdays off so.. it evens out)

i'm late right now, see? i've been 10 minutes late everyday

i feel bitchy and cranky and i was supposed to get up at 6am today to go swimming. i wouldn't even get up to go swimming. i stayed in bed cuz i was so comfy and so happy. i forget why i was happy, i always forget my dreams. then at 8am i was depressed and didn't want to get out of bed cuz i was so depressed. because joshua's not lying next to me when i wake up. trust me, you'd be depressed too.

ughhhhhhhh i have to go to class now. wish me luck :'(

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[14 Sep 2004|07:59am]
[ mood | depressed ]


i thought that being like a creepy stalker chick would make him talk to me. but obviously obsession is never the answer. so i'm gonna try to save the crazy crying matter for my real diary. i think i deleted most of the ones that i had posted here.

i had the most pleasant dream last night. it was so real. it could have been real. and for the longest time i thought it was real. and i would give ANYTHING for it to be true... cept obviously it's not, since it happened after i fell asleep and before i woke up.

i forgot how he told me he loved me, because i let my mind go super pessimistic and dream up the worst possible scenario. i wish i hadnt sent him those e-mails. but i didnt know what else to do. and i hope he hasnt been reading the journal. it was pretty embarassing don't you think?

i hate having to go to school everyday. i hate how stressed-out my family is and i hate how they take it out on me.
but the dream was so perfect. i want to go back to it.

2 comments|post comment

should i take a semseter off????????? [12 Sep 2004|11:59am]
[ mood | relaxed ]

jetaimeCollapse )

it's the human condition that keeps us apart
everybody's got a story that could break your heart

2 comments|post comment

[09 Sep 2004|02:50pm]
[ mood | grumpy ]

i don't think i can take it anymore. i now have two options:

option one: sell all my cds, my snowbard, etc, take out the $2000 canadian i have from working last summer, and buy a one-way ticket to tahiti. there i will apply for a job at a convinience store or as a hotel maid or as a waitress and work and live there for the rest of my life. if no one hires me i'll turn to alcohol and become a bum on the street (it doesn't get cold in tahiti so i wouldn't mind being a bum on the street there at all.) i could even go to the beach or climb a palm tree like a monkay to feed on bananas.

option two: i could slit my wrists.

they both seem very appealing to me right now. everything is going wrong and it just sucks, makes me hate everything.

the real me used to laugh all night, lying in the grass just talking about love
but lately i've been jaded, life got so complicated

...i almost forgot what it was like... cause with you
i can let my hair down, i can say anything crazy
i know you'll catch me right before i hit the ground
with nothing but a t-shirt on, i never felt so beautiful
baby as i do now, now that i'm with you

you speak and it's like a song
and just like that all my walls come down

5 comments|post comment

[06 Sep 2004|04:38pm]
he still loves meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

thank god i didn't send that e-mail
9 comments|post comment

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